What's it like to hang out with someone who's feeling frustrated, angry, tired and annoyingly stuck in their day to day work?
They come home and sigh a whole lot. Turn on the television and tune out. Answer, "Oh, fine," or "Same" or "Sucked like usual" when asked about their day.
They just aren't happy...especially come Monday!
Frankly, the real reason I care so much about this subject is two-fold.
1. I've spoken to enough wives who's spouses feel stuck in their work and they don't know how or if to help him.
2. For far too many years, I WAS THAT HUSBAND!
Here's something I had no clue about... or maybe just lived in my own self- induced "all about me" bubble that I chose to ignore: MY STRUGGLE WITH MY JOB DIRECTLY AFFECTED MY WIFE EVERY SINGLE DAY. IN VERY TANGIBLE WAYS!
[cryout-pullquote align="left|center|right" textalign="left|center|right" width="33%"]Here's something I had no clue about... or maybe just lived in my own self- induced " all about me" bubble that I chose to ignore: MY HATE FOR MY JOB DIRECTLY AFFECTED MY WIFE EVERY SINGLE DAY.[/cryout-pullquote]
How could it not?
The once fun-loving, hopeful, helpful and able to hear her stuff guy was trapped inside a "life stinks" existence that was slowly eating away at his (my) self-worth, self-esteem and creating as selfishness I was blind to. (Or at least choosing not to take into considerable consideration.)
So, right up front, my message to wives.....
1. You are not being ridiculous when you realize this IS affecting you and affecting your marriage. The 2nd hand impact of his journey can't not affect you.
2. Guard your heart and care for yourself. You need not be sucked into what Mindy used to call "Jeff's vortex of darkness."
3. THINGS CAN CHANGE! And they can change quickly!
4. BUT. It is HIS journey and he must believe and do what it takes to move towards something he loves or feels a calling to.
In the last year, I begun including many wives in some of the sessions or retreats I do with husbands because her participation in the journey makes a difference. Her belief that things CAN and MUST be different for her husband gives him perspective.
And it's the truth for him to recognize that his unhappiness or even burnout affects you. Just does!
The constant feeling your husband has if he hates his job or even leadership position is "I'm stuck" or "I'm alone." He just doesn't know what to do or where to turn.
The biggest mistake I made ... and made... and made... was to "dump" my junk on my very caring wife. And guess what? She listened.
And guess what? It didn't help! In fact my own grumbling just seemed to make me more grumpy!
It wasn't until Mindy honesty and despairingly told me, "I care but I can't help you" that I realized that I needed to turn elsewhere for help, for support and for expert guidance. Like the family of an alcoholic, she had to say, "you need to get other help because my is not helping!"
[cryout-pullquote align="left|center|right" textalign="left|center|right" width="33%"]It wasn't until Mindy honesty and despairingly told me, "I care but I can't help you" that I realized needed to turn elsewhere for help, for support and for expert guidance. Like the family of an alcoholic, she had to say, "you need to get other help because my is not helping!"[/cryout-pullquote]
At first, how do you think I felt about that??
Yep.... Abandoned. Uncared about. Angry. Mad. Angry. Hurt. Did I say angry?
HOW DID I GET HELP?
Well, it took me a long time to find. Who do you talk to about this stuff? Too many guys "give advice" (sound familiar) and don't really understand the whole situation. A counselor? Well, in part. Other family member. Definitely NOT a good idea.
I now believe this to the core of my being. You should NOT go to most people for career and job guidance. They just aren't equipped to do it... even if they want to be of help.
By God's grace, I found help and guidance in experts in this area from career expert Ralph Mattson (co-author of Finding a Job You Can Love), spiritual guidance from Steve Macchia (now president of Leadership Transformations) and coaching from Thomas Leonard, the now deceased founder of Coach U and whom many consider to be the father of the modern life coaching movement.
In other words, there WAS outside help and guidance that my wife or my friends and family couldn't provide.
I now believe, this help not only saved our marriage, but possibly even my own life. (Yes, I was that desperate. Not proud of that. But true.)
If only I hadn't done nothing for years!
If you're a wife reads this, you certainly can't do it all for your husband...... And he may not be ready (or struggling as deeply as I was) but know that you're not crazy for caring... but you are crazy if you think you can solve his problem.
But, hating his work, long-term at least, will take its toll. Invite him to make a change right away!
You don't need to stay stuck. Just don't!
PS. GET IN TOUCH or ENCOURAGE HIM. Here's a link to set up no-cost consultation with me personally that I call "The Big Shift." Whether its a fit to with me or not to work with me longer term, he'll get value and real clarity on 1. where he needs to go and 2. what hurdles hold him back... http://www.convergencepoint.co/contact-us.html Or just get in touch with me to share your questions or concerns.
Are you ready to enage your Convergence Point?
Jeff Caliguire's personal mission is to unlock you to discover and engage your callings and dreams. He is an author, coach and retreat leader who dreams of the better world when millions of people unleash their full potential by doing what they were born to do!
Download a coached date night called "The 10 Questions to Discover the Mission for Your Marriage." According to Robert and Christie, "“I know this might sound crazy but we probably had our best date in at least 3 years since we have had kids! “Download Now!